Stephen Karpman, a follower of Eric Berne, described a socio-psychological model of interaction between people. This model includes three main roles: the victim, the rescuer (or savior), and the persecutor (or aggressor).
Although there are only three roles, the number of participants in this triangle is unlimited. Each participant derives their own benefit from this process, which is what pushes for such interaction.
According to this distribution, the victim is a person who is pressured and persecuted. Usually, such a person sees the root of all problems in circumstances or in the Persecutor. This person will constantly complain about failures and blame the whole world, other people, but not himself. The victim usually occupies the position of a helpless person, this state can be described by the formula: "something is wrong with me" ("I" with a minus), "everything is fine with you" ("you" with a plus).
In most cases, a person does not like to feel helpless, but there are moments when you want to let go of all the problems and feel small and unprotected. You can experience this feeling for a moment, but it is better to try not to succumb to the game of "rescue".
The personality does not tolerate its helplessness, and when the Savior appears, the situation worsens. No matter how difficult the situation is and how weakened the person feels, he always wants to hear words addressed to him that he can overcome everything.
However, when they communicate with him as if he is dependent, important issues are decided for him and in every possible way they interfere in solving his problems, the person gets angry and feels crushed. These emotions over time turn the Victim into a Tyrant, whose anger is directed at the Savior.
The role of the Savior in the triangle is not as obvious as the role of the Victim or the Persecutor. In this system, the Savior is not the one who rushes to help in some emergency. This person has his own hidden reason for helping, which is selfish gain.
Outwardly, he tries to help the victim solve problems, but in addition to helping, he also makes efforts to ensure that the situation does not resolve quickly, because he gets the benefit he needs from the process itself. For example, by helping the victim, he feels important, because a person depends on him, thus, he asserts himself at the expense of the victim.
The triangle is a psychological game in which each participant tries to achieve his own benefit. In fact, the victim is not as powerless as it seems, the rescuer does not really help in solving problems, and the claims of the persecutor are not so justified.
The formula of the rescuer sounds like this: “I am fine” (“I” in the plus), “there is something wrong with you” (“you” with a minus). In most cases, help is useless, and the rescuer becomes a persecutor.
The persecutor is the person who imposes his will and thoughts, puts pressure on the victim. This behavior can even have features of physical coercion. For the persecutor, the victim is to blame for everything, he spreads this opinion to everyone and first of all to the victim.
The persecutor's formula is the same as the rescuer's - "I'm fine" ("I" in the plus), "there's something wrong with you" ("you" with a minus). In the triangle, the persecutor realizes his thirst for self-affirmation, lack of a sense of self-importance. In the process of this game, he increases his sense of his own superiority.
Role change These roles can be replaced by each other, as well as the feelings inherent in them. The victim feels helplessness and shame, the rescuer feels guilt, and the persecutor feels anger. If the rescue does not happen, then the game moves to the persecution stage. Each person can play different roles, it all depends on the situation. But still, each of us has a role that is closest to us and feelings that we prefer more often than others.
Bern said that each of us can easily change roles. Each participant gets their bonuses from the resulting situation, but after some time, someone stops being satisfied with this course of events, and roles change. Such a game can take place in any society - at work or in the family, in friendly relations, in an educational institution, etc.
Let's consider an example of a game in a family with one child and parents. The child is raised in harsh conditions, in strictness and order, while the child is a victim, the father is a persecutor, and the mother, accordingly, is a savior. The strict and cruel father bends his line and tries to instill his views on life in the child, mercilessly scolds and punishes for pampering and mistakes. The mother tries to support the child, especially in those moments when the father is not there.
When roles change, the victim is already the father, and the mother persecutes him for being too strict and cruel to the child. In turn, the mother is the child's victim, since he uses her kindness for his own purposes. As the child grows up, he accumulates anger for being put in the position of a victim, and he becomes a tyrant in relation to his parents.
Over time, the child becomes more mature and understands how tired he is of strictness and role of a victim. He packs his things and moves out of his parents' house. The situation has changed, the tyrant is now the mother, who blames the father (the victim) for what happened.
The conflict grows, the child takes someone's side and supports it, acting as the Savior. But the quarrels and eternal reproaches continue, the conflict is not resolved, the child gets tired of trying to fix everything and blames the mother, who is now the victim, for the discord and all the troubles, and the father now goes over to the mother's side, defends her interests, becoming the savior.
We are all familiar with such situations. Sometimes the roles change very often, even within one day. The same game can be played in marital relations. For example, if the wife takes the position of a tyrant and constantly nags her husband, he becomes a victim, gets tired of his wife's constant dissatisfaction and finds a mistress (the savior).
For a while, the husband is satisfied with this situation, but suddenly the wife finds out about the deception, and now she becomes a victim, and the mistress turns into a tyrant, because she interfered with the well-being of the family. The husband can return to his wife as a savior. But soon the roles change again - the husband (tyrant) blames the mistress (victim) for all the troubles, and the wife, who forgave everything and saved the hearth, now becomes the savior.
Now let's figure out what each of the parties feels. The victim is usually drowning in restless feelings of dissatisfaction with herself, her impotence and uselessness, does not believe in her own strength and is sure that the situation she got into has no resolution, that she is to blame for everything and will not be able to solve the problems herself. The victim is offended by the whole world, terribly unsure of herself, experiences a feeling of fear and hopelessness.
The persecutor, unlike the victim, is overly confident in himself and his views, believes that only he knows what needs to be done and how. Therefore, being sure that everyone is wrong except him, he feels anger and irritation towards the victim and the savior. All these feelings are mixed with excitement - after all, he must drive the victim and the savior along with her.
The savior feels sorry for the victim, wants to help and make the whole world better. The savior considers the victim helpless, and himself - a competent and strong, smart and experienced person who can fix any difficult situation. He is confident in his abilities and strength, believes that he knows what needs to be done. Moreover, he cannot simply leave the victim without help, because he sympathizes and empathizes with her, and this is what prevents him from truly helping her.
To avoid getting into the triangle of fate, you need to watch your impulses and emotions, and not try to impose help when you are not asked. Imposing your kindness and help always leads to the role of the savior, and then you will not even notice how the roles will quickly begin to change, and you will find yourself a victim.
To avoid being a victim, you need to stop blaming anyone for your problems. Everything that happens to us is the result of our actions, so you need to be responsible for all your failures and understand that everything can be fixed. Blaming loved ones and the world around you for your problems is the wrong way to go, you should always start by analyzing your actions.
And, of course, you need to forget about complaints. Whatever happens in our lives, everything is aimed only at making us wiser and better.